Smackdown - January 2nd 2003

Team Angle Debuts, Big Show Challenges Brock Lesnar

John Matthews interviews the WWE Champion Kurt Angle, flanked by his two proteges Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas. He asks if Kurt will be ready for Benoit at the Royal Rumble to which he scoffs and shows the footage of the Team Angle trio beating Benoit up last week. Tonight, Benoit is facing Haas and Benjamin in a tag team match but we don’t know who his partner will be yet. Kurt isn’t worried about any of that and sings all of his own praises. He doesn’t worry about losing his gold, he worries about keeping it polished. Angle rounds off by calling himself, Haas and Benjamin the three best wrestlers in the history of the sport.

Led to the ring by the team captain still on crutches, Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Hass make their in-ring debuts against Chris Benoit and his mystery partner who turns out to be Edge. I do have lots of information about Benjamin and Haas but I’ll save it for later on when they’ve got a bigger spot on one of the PPVs, likely No Way Out. For now I’ll just say that both men are fantastic wrestlers and athletes. Team Angle isolates Edge and Haas locks in what would become his finisher, the Haas of Pain (house of pain) but it is broken up by Benoit.

When the match breaks down, Edge and Benoit hit a series of stereo German suplexes and have the match in hand until Kurt Angle pulls Edge out of the ring. It’s not enough and as Benoit locks Benjamin in the Crossface, Edge drops Haas with a Spear. Team Angle is in trouble so Kurt hits Benoit with the WWE title belt. Edge and Benoit win by disqualification but don’t look like winners when Team Angle uses Kurt’s crutches as weapons to beat up Edge and Benoit further. Kurt throws the ring announcer into the ring, roughing him up and punching the referee, forcing Tony Chimel to announce Team Angle as the real winners. They certainly look like the winners leaving all these bodies in their wake. John Matthews takes over ring announcer duties for the rest of the show (he’s terrible)

Paul Heyman heads down to the ring and after speaking in glowing terms about Team Angle’s performance and how proud he is to represent the WWE Champion Kurt Angle, introduces the reason this arena is sold out and the man everyone came to see - a genuine spectacle, the 7 foot fall and 500lbs Big Show. Heyman heaps endless praise on his other client too and says he feels powerful just standing next to him! Heyman has a challenge on behalf of his client - a challenge to Brock Lesnar. He challenges Brock Lesnar to a match at the Royal Rumble but with a very special stipulation - only the winner of their match will get to enter the Royal Rumble match later on that same night. Heyman reminds us all that Big Show is the only man to have ever pinned Brock Lesnar and that's why the Next Big Thing won’t accept - he’s scared of the Big Show. Brock Lesnar has had enough and comes out to confront Big Show but as he walks to the ring he’s clubbed from behind by Matt Hardy who has a steel chair and, to everyone’s surprise, Shannon Moore who is no longer selling his hip. The two attack Lesnar with the chairs but he shrugs it off and clears not only them but Big Show out of the ring. Lesnar has a torrent of blood pouring from the back of his head - that first chair shot by Matt Hardy caught him high with the edge and split his head open.

In the main event, Matt Hardy faces Brock Lesnar who now has a fresh wound on the back of his head so is bound to be even angrier. Backstage before the match, Matt Hardy tells Shannon Moore that he is leading by example and beating him up last week was just to motivate him. When Brock comes out for the main event he’s pacing like a caged animal, not even in his ring gear and with the blood still all over the back of his head and neck. He refused medical attention and looks ready to kill someone. This week’s Matt Fact is that he always stays awake until sunrise on New Year’s. Brock is bleeding heavily and rubs his hand over the back of his head, getting it soaked and then slapping Matt in the face leaving a big bloody hand print on his face. That was cool. Lesnar destroys Matt until Shannon grabs his leg. He pays for that getting brought into the ring and thrown around too and Matt’s chop block and attempt to work on his leg doesn’t pay off. Lesnar drills Shannon with an F5 and kicks out of Matt’s surprise Twist of Fate, shrugging it off and hitting another F5 to win the match, head wound and all. Brock looks like a dangerous wild animal, his head and face covered in his own blood. Paul Heyman and Big Show come out onto the ramp and Smackdown closes with a stare down between the Royal Rumble opponents. Brock isn’t done and drills Matt with a second F5 for good measure.

Marriage - a sacred union

Tonight’s blushing bride Dawn Marie comes out onto the stage and announces that when she marries Al Wilson later she’ll be doing it in the nude. After a commercial break, General Manager Stephanie McMahon goes into the bridal suite and tells her that while she can get married on Smackdown she cannot do it in the nude. She tells her to tread lightly, so we now have a big cliffhanger - will Dawn ignore Stephanie’s orders and get married in the nude anyway?! The drama.

Backstage, Billy Kidman is surprised to find out that Torrie Wilson is here tonight assuming that she’d give her dad’s wedding a miss. Kidman actually gets some laughs here doing a spot on impression of her dad. That’s especially funny as Kidman and Torrie were still dating in real life and had been for quite a while so I’m sure he did have a good relationship with him in real life. 

The wedding ceremony is next and here’s a video package recapping the important elements of the storyline so far which thankfully saves me from having to describe any of it.

Al Wilson’s wedding suit is pretty hilarious with big 70s style lapels. I’m glad they’re at least playing this all for laughs with Michael Cole and Tazz openly mocking Al’s performance and engaging in lots of old man jokes. Those two saved all of this. I am disappointed that of all the weddings I’ve now covered since 1998, this is the first one to not feature the “Together” song. The fans chant for Torrie as the minister (who sounds like The Hurricane) runs through the motions.

Dawn objects to her own wedding, wanting to get married with no clothes on line she promised. She strips off her wedding dress to some pretty sensational white lingerie but stops short of getting naked - she has listened to Stephanie McMahon’s orders. She encourages Al to get naked instead! The fans chant “keep it on” which is pretty funny. Al Wilson is a good sport for going along with this - it looks like they might have stuffed his underwear with a sex toy, or he just straight up has a massive erection during all of this. It’s EXPLICIT, folks. Al Wilson massively flubs his lines during the vows which gets a laugh from Tazz and Cole. The wedding ends, they are officially married and Dawn plans a big kiss on Al Wilson, basically wrestling him to the mat. Dawn Marie is now officially Torrie Wilson’s mother in law.

Later in the show, Funaki catches up with the newly weds just as they’re about to leave in their limo and Dawn promises that they are going to film their entire honeymoon, including the naughty parts and will show it to the world next week on Smackdown. Funaki gets a big laugh at the end by saying he now feels very, very dirty.

Other Happenings

• In the arena the show opens with John Cena and B2. Cena gives us a demonstration of the power of Thuganomics with a rap about Rikishi mostly making fun of his weight. Rude. The big man is his opponent tonight and B2 does his best to help Cena cheat but the referee finds the steel chain and gets rid of it. Rikishi costs himself the match, bringing B2 into the ring himself and in the chaos, Cena rolls up the big man and gets the win. That was very much Rikishi’s own fault. He chases the would-be rappers who escape through the crowd. Hilariously, Buchanan trips when jumping the barrier and Rikishi easily catches him but then has to pretend he hasn’t and let him escape. 
• Bill Demot has been exclusively bullying cruiserweights lately but tonight he fights someone his own size, Chuck Palumbo. Demot picks up the win in a nothing-match.
• There’s a video package promoting the return of the Undertaker at the Royal Rumble. That is interesting but more interesting is that it’s all footage of him from earlier in his career and talks about darkness and the deadman, making it seem like it’ll be the original Undertaker returning rather than the American Badass. 
• Jamie Noble and Nidia accompany cousin Nunzio to the ring for his debut singles match. His opponent is Crash. Nunzio works on Crash’s arm and with a spinning arm breaker picks up the victory. He wants to keep beating on Crash after the match but Noble and Nidia hold him back. 

• Eddie Guerrero - showing off a new, short haircut so he now matches Chavo - takes on Cruiserweight Champion Billy Kidman in a non-title match. Kidman has become one of my favourite parts of Smackdown lately. Given how iconic Eddie’s mullet was, if he was going to shave it I’m surprised they didn’t book him to lose a hair vs. hair match and do it on TV. I thought the same thing about Test when he cut his hair. Mid-match, John Cena and B2 come out and rap about Eddie Guerrero. Cena says they’re going to take the WWE Tag Team titles from Los Guerreros, all while being kind of racist about taco bell and making fun of Eddie’s mullet which he has, of course, now cut off. Chavo attacks them, and then Rikishi comes down to join in and the match is thrown out with referees having to hold EVERYONE back. After a commercial break, the chaos has continued but Rikishi, B2 and Chavo have all been removed and John Cena has joined commentary to watch Kidman vs. Eddie continue. Cena continues to rap about Eddie Guerrero and drops in more Star Wars references too. Michael Cole doesn’t understand a word he’s saying but Tazz finds it all hilarious. This is a really good match - I seem to be saying that a lot during Smackdown lately - with Kidman getting a string of close near falls with a variety of powerbombs and slams. Cena takes a chance while the referee is distracted and knocks Eddie Guerrero out with a chain around his fist. Kidman didn’t see it either and followed up with a Shooting Star Press to win the match. 

Raw - January 6th 2003

2003 - The Year of Bischoff

Raw kicks off with Bubba Ray and D-Von Dudley in action but before we find out who their opponents will be, General Manager Eric Bischoff and Chief Morley head out onto the stage. The last time we were on Raw, the show ended with The Dudleyz saving Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler from a beating. JR and King are professional and haven’t mentioned it but Bischoff throws to a video package reminding us of the whole ordeal. JR and King handed Storm and Regal their first loss as a tag team on the final Raw of 2002. JR and King are full of love and thanks for The Dudleyz after the video. The GM of Raw says that 2003 will begin with an all new attitude starting tonight. Everyone will show him the respect he deserves and he introduces The Dudleyz opponents - it's a no disqualification 4 on 2 handicap match - Rosey, Jamal, Rico and Batista. Eric Bischoff wants Bubba and D-Von beaten to a bloody pulp. Of note is that Bischoff announces that Batista will be the first of 15 Raw superstars entered into the Royal Rumble match. Jerry Lawler has been drifting to babyface for a while but here, being so anti-Bischoff and cheering on The Dudley Boyz, makes it official.

Four vs. two isn’t enough and both Ric Flair and Chief Morely also get involved. The referee seems to be taken off his game by how deeply unfair this match is and won’t count the three count for Batsita and has to be forced to by Eric Bischoff. Batista ends up breaking the count anyway to keep the match and attack going for longer. There’s no mention of Batista and D-Von’s history on Smackdown during any of this, and that’s probably for the best. This four, or maybe five, but if you include all the men at ringside it’s more like a seven vs. two handicap match finally ends with a Batista Bomb on D-Von and a meaningless three count. They keep beating on Bubba Ray and D-Von after the match and hold them both up for Bischoff to land a final slap to both men. Eric Bischoff is mad with power. 

After the commercial break, Lance Storm and William Regal are berating Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross about the outcome of their match. Regal is particularly disgusted that the record books now show that JR pinned him, but they have more important things to attend to and head down to the ring where The Dudleyz are still being tended to by officials and referees. Regal knocks out Bubba with his brass knuckles and Storm locks D-Von in a sharpshooter. The Dudleyz have been destroyed by nine people and it’s only 16 minutes into the show! Bubba is bleeding from Regal’s knuckles shot. 

Terri interviews the World Tag Team Champions Booker T and Goldust. Booker mentions Bischoff’s comments earlier that 2003 will be the year of Bischoff. Booker mocks him, and calls Chief Morley a joke and an asskisser. Booker talks about how Bischoff let Big Show leave and then he became WWE Champion, and laughs about Rikishi giving him a Stink Face back at Unforgiven. Elsewhere backstage, Eric rages to Chief Morley about that disrespect and says Booker and Goldust will now defend their tag team titles against Lance Storm and William Regal! 

As signed by Bischoff earlier, Booker T and Goldust defend their World Tag Team Championships against Lance Storm and William Regal. Shouldn’t JR and King technically get a title shot first, seeing as they beat Storm and Regal two weeks ago? Storm and Regal isolate Booker T and keep him in their corner, chipping away at the champion. A hot tag to Goldust picks the pace back up and the champions turn the tide and have the match won but Regal kicks the referee right in the face to stop him from counting. That seems like an obvious disqualification as we go to a commercial break and returning to the arena, there’s been a big twist - Chief Morley has now inserted himself as the special referee. He is also knocked down by an errant Booker T heel kick and so a third referee comes down to fill in. This is chaos. Booker T gets on a roll and after the first Spinarooni of 2003, scores with the Scissors Kick. Morley is back up and knocks out the new referee and after William Regal uses the brass knuckles, Morley is there to count the three. Lance Storm and William Regal are the new World Tag Team Champions with a LOT of help from Chief of Staff Morley as referee. Storylines aside, I’m never sad to see my boy William Regal win a championship.

After a commercial break, Regal and Storm suck up to GM Bischoff in his office and thank him for the opportunity and promise to represent Raw proudly as champions. 

As Raw goes off the air, back in Eric Bischoff’s office he smugly books Jerry Lawler against one half of the new Tag Team Champions William Regal. His good mood is ruined when he gets a phone call which seems to trouble him - next week, Vince McMahon will be live on Raw.

Pose Down

Backstage, a deeply tanned Triple H is warming up for his challenge to Scott Steiner tonight. He’s challenged him to a Pose Down. Triple H makes excuses for losing the arm wrestling challenge two weeks ago - his arm was still hurt from Armageddon. Flair gets a little too excited while praising The Game’s body, and Triple H shows off an old issue of Flex magazine where he was in a photoshoot. There’s lots of women screaming for the prospect of these two enormously muscular men posing and showing off later. I guess everyone has their type. 

In the World Heavyweight Champion’s locker room, The Game oils up and uses a bar to warm up for the pose down challenge. It’s going to be hard for me to describe this but I will say that I find it oddly hilarious that lots of people in WWE from Jerry Lawler to Triple H himself spent a lot of the early 2000s making homophobic jokes on TV and then will go out on Raw and do a segment like this which might actually be gayer than if they’d just had sex with each other. Vince McMahon was a big muscle show, body guy his entire life and so he has this belief that other men - real men - really admire and are impressed by muscular physiques and that it's super hetero to heap lavish, fawning praise on another man’s body in public.

Triple H calls the fans jealous of him and then explains the rules of this pose down, which is that they’ll strike three poses each and then the fans will decide who wins each round. He picks six fans from the crowd - thankfully there just so happens to be six big muscular guys in the front row who definitely aren’t plants and local indy wrestlers to act as judges. Triple H drops a bunch of highly specific, niche references to the world of body building and some of the big names from that “sport” which I’m confident were lost on 99% of the audience. Triple H can’t help himself and throws out some casual racism calling an Asian looking guy “Charlie Chan”. Scott Steiner enters next and…they pose? I don’t know what else to say and I’m confident no one reading this needs a blow by blow. They dim the arena lights and the two take it in turns to pose, flex and show off their oily, tanned bodies. The jist is that as huge and jacked as both men are, Steiner is bigger. I’d argue that Triple H actually wins because while Steiner is bigger, he also looks deeply unnatural and unhealthy.

The judges all pick Triple H, confirming that they’re plants and Triple H set all this up. Steiner is furious and calls The Game out for it. He takes a poll of the fans who think he won, of course. Steiner continues to bark gibberish and King actually corpses a little because there’s points where its quite hard to tell what Scott even said. Triple H challenges Steiner to a push up contest and while they’re both down doing push ups, the six judges rush Steiner and attack him. Triple H and Ric Flair leave but the smiles are wiped off their faces when Freakzilla easily beats up all six men and sends them packing too. 

Royal Rumblings

Chris Jericho heads down to the ring. He’s got a main event tag team match later with himself and Christian vs. Kane and Rob Van Dam but for now, he has something he wants to talk about. He says he’s been distracted lately but now he’s focused on the World title, and winning the Royal Rumble match. He says he doesn’t need to prove anything to anyone, but he wants to be champion to prove he’s the best in the world. He says that not only is he in the Royal Rumble match, he’s going to win the Royal Rumble and then the World Championship at Wrestlemania. He’s then interrupted by Shawn Michaels. The last time we saw HBK, he was dropping Jericho with Sweet Chin Music for calling him a loser and a hasbeen. Shawn gets in Jericho’s head and says he has the same hunger as him - the hunger to prove that he’s the best. He tells Jericho that if he really wants to be the best he has to do what HE did in 1995 and that’s enter the Royal Rumble match at Number 1 and last the entire match to win. At this time, only man had ever done that and that was Shawn Michaels.

Jericho reminds him that he won the Undisputed title by beating two men that HBK has never beaten on the same night. Michaels dares Jericho to be number 1 in the Royal Rumble, or he will and HBK can show him how it’s done. Jericho says that he doesn’t need to wait until the Royal Rumble and might just kick HBK’s ass here tonight. They’re about to fight when Randy Orton’s RNN Breaking News Update music plays but this week it’s not a video - Randy Orton is back, here in person. He has big news. His shoulder is up to 93% mobility and he will be back in action very, very soon! Randy says that his comeback story is more inspirational than Shawn Michaels’ and calls himself the new sexy boy. He also makes a fairly open minded comment about how maybe the men think he’s sexy as well as the women and Jerry Lawler reacts with disgust. His babyface commentary turn will never overrule the fact that he’s a dreadful human. HBK punches Orton in the face and the brawl begins. Jericho tries to get Michaels into the Walls of Jericho. That brings out RVD - one of Jericho;s opponents tonight - followed by Christian and finally Kane. Kane’s pyro scares everyone off and the ring clears with Orton, Jericho and Christian on the ramp and Michaels, RVD and Kane in the ring. 

In the locker room, Christian excitedly tells Chris Jericho that he’s also in the Royal Rumble match. Jericho selfishly assumes that Christian will help him win rather than try to win himself. They start to bicker and when Christian jokes about HBk kicking Jericho in the face a few weeks ago, Randy Orton shows up and tells them not to worry about HBK because he’ll be in their corner tonight. They just need to focus on RVD and Kane. 

In the main event, Shawn Michaels gets his own entrance to be in the corner officially of Rob Van Dam and Kane. Jericho and Christian are kept on the back foot in the early going with a dive to the outside and HBK seems like he’s having fun joining in the RVD chants and encouraging him and Kane. Jericho and Christian cut off and isolate Van Dam in their corner for a bit. RVD is thrown to the outside and Randy Orton beats him up but pays for it, walking right into a Sweet Chin Music! Jericho throws HBK into the ringsteps and takes RVD back into the ring to continue the match. Jericho and Christian try to use steel chairs but HBK pulls Jericho out of the ring and they brawl into the crowd, disappearing. Back in the ring, Christian is drilled with a chokeslam and that's followed by a Five Star Frog Splash to give Kane and RVD another big tag team victory. Kane even joins in with the RVD thumb point in victory.

Other Happenings

• Backstage, Jacqueline goes to get her tag team partner on the way to the ring for a tag team match with Molly Holly and WWE Women’s Champion Victoria (with Steven Richards). I’m glad to see Molly back on TV regularly after kind of disappearing after her feud with Trish ended. She’s really good and hits one of the nicer handspring elbows I’ve seen. Trish goes for a Stratusfaction but Victoria blocks that. Trish counters into a roll up but Steven Richards is quick to slam Trish to the mat behind the referee’s back, reversing the pin and giving Victoria and Molly a tainted victory.
• Test (with Stacy Keibler) faces Christopher Nowinski (with D’Lo Brown). Earlier today, Nowinski asked D’Lo to be in his corner since Stacy was so rude to him last week and hilariously compares people being prejudice to him to people being prejudice to black people. That’s probably too subtle for WWE in 2003. Test picks up the win with a Big Boot but is immediately laid out by D’Lo Brown with a big spinebuster, and he and Nowinski leave together.

Smackdown - January 9th 2003

Honeymoon Phase begins and ends

After a video package recapping last week’s wedding in their underwear, Smackdown’s cameras are on the scene to cover Dawn Marie and Al Wilson’s honeymoon. There’s a couple of these short videos during the show with the second one showing a struggling, out of breath Al Wilson heading into the shower with Dawn Marie for what is implied to be another session of intense love making.

In the third and final one, Dawn Marie in a set of lingerie so small it’s borderline pornographic (seriously, you should have seen it from the back), is unable to rouse Al Wilson who’s face down in bed and apparently fast asleep. To be continued.

Josh Matthews Torrie Wilson and asks her thoughts on her new mother in law. Torrie calls the wedding disgusting and says that Dawn has humiliated her father and continues to do so. Josh is perhaps the worst on screen performer I’ve ever seen, he is beyond wooden. He does at least give us some important information here - at the Royal Rumble we’ll see the first ever step daughter vs. step daughter match, Torrie vs. Dawn Marie. 

At the conclusion of Smackdown, after the main event, we cut dramatically to the honeymoon hotel suite and a hysterical Dawn Marie! Al Wilson has apparently had a heart attack and isn’t breathing! Paramedics are on the scene and the show ends with him being rushed to the hospital!

Teaching Lesnar a Lesson

Smackdown opens with The Big Show, along with his agent Paul Heyman, vs. Rikishi. This is an exhibition match for Show now that he has a big match with Brock Lesnar at the Royal Rumble. He wins pretty easily with a chokeslam. Post match, Paul Heyman grabs a mic and issues a threat - before this night is over, they will teach a lesson to Brock Lesnar. He has a match later with A-Train. 

Just like last week, they use a Tale of the Tape for tonight’s main event and Brock Lesnar is shown warming up with a pair of heavy gas tanks. Elsewhere, A-Train warns Paul Heyman and Big Show not to get involved in his match with Lesnar until he’s done with him. He wants to make his own mark by doing it all on his own, just like he injured Rey Mysterio. Heyman and Show are both backstage watching the main event on a monitor, cheering on A-Train in spirit at least. In one of those things that seemed normal at the time but makes me deeply uncomfortable in hindsight, Michael Cole mentions that Brock Lesnar is competing tonight with a concussion. He does look pretty vacant and glazed over behind the eyes and continually rubs the back of his head where it was split open last week.

I noticed during this match that there’s a sign in the crowd which says “Bring Back Mr. Perfect” which is especially haunting as sadly Curt Hennig only had another month to live. I’ll talk about him next month I’m sure. Brock throws A-Train around with suplexes and finishes him with an F5. Despite how much they’ve been pushing A-Train lately, Brock had no problem squashing him. After the match, Lesnar calls out Paul Heyman and Big Show and dares them to come to the ring and teach him his lesson. They leave their locker room and make like they’re heading to the ring but stop short, and the lesson is that they cannot predict what they’ll do and he cannot beat the Big Show. Heyman and Show simply leave the arena with Lesnar furious in the ring. So a lesson in patience.

Team Angle makes their mark

Tonight, both halves of Team Angle are making their singles debuts. WWE Champion and captain Kurt Angle leads them to the ring.The first of the two matches is Charlie Haas vs. Edge, with Shelton Benjamin also at ringside. Kurt is still walking on crutches from Brock’s attack three weeks ago. With Haas having so much backup, it’s only fair Edge gets some too and Chris Benoit comes down to have his back for this match too. Haas, much like Benjamin had been down in OVW for a while being trained so he’s no slouch and does well against Edge here. This era of WWE was full of people with fantastic amateur backgrounds making the jump, hoping to be the next Kurt Angle. Kurt takes Benoit by hitting him with his crutch. Benjamin tries to get involved in the match but Edge knocks him off the apron and hits a Spear on Charlie. Kurt is there to stop the referee’s count and then he blasts Edge with his crutch to allow Haas to hit an exploder suplex to pick up the victory. Team Angle gets in the ring and starts to beat up Edge three on one but Benoit finally gets back up and into the ring to make the save. They’re about to leave in victory but Benoit stops them and mimics a ticking clock - there’s only a little bit of time left in Kurt Angle’s WWE title reign. We’re wasting no time and after a commercial break, Chris Benoit vs. Shelton Benjamin is on in the ring and officials have ejected Angle, Haas and Edge from ringside.

Benjamin puts up a really good fight against the number one contender but after a German, a diving headbutt and locking in the Crossface, Benoit makes Shelton tap out. The referee doesn’t see it as Kurt runs down to distract him and then gets his protege disqualified, hitting him in the gut with his crutch. He is taken down into a Crossface too but Charlie Haas makes the save. It’s about to be another three one on beat down but Edge sprints down. It’s chaos as Benoit drops both Haas and Benjamin with German suplexes but Kurt has time to recover and beats the hell out of Benoit with his crutch. With Edge also taken out, Team Angle holds Benoit up so that Kurt can taunt him and then hit him with the WWE Championship belt. Kurt has the final insult, locking a limp Benoit in the ankle lock. This was all good stuff and helped establish Benjamin and Haas only three weeks into their WWE careers. 

Other Happenings

• Before his match with Chavo Guerrero, John Cena has another rap directed at Chavo’s corner man and tag team partner Eddie Guerrero full of casual racism. He talks about illegal immigration and Taco Bell. Eddie and B2 get into a fight on the outside which Eddie wins, suplexing the big man on the entrance ramp. The referee ejects both men from ringside and the match continues unimpeded, which John Cena wins with a roll up and grabbing the ropes for extra leverage.

• Matt Hardy Version 1 with MFer Shannon Moore faces Cruiserweight Champion Billy Kidman in a non-title match. Kidman wows the crowd with a springboard shooting star press to the outside on both Hardy and Moore but it looks like he banged heads with one of them as he sells his head for the rest of the match but isn’t bleeding. The finish comes out of nowhere as Shannon Moore gets on the apron to try and help Matt but it backfires when Kidman shoves him into his follower and gets the win with a roll up. Kidman gets out of there quickly and Matt calls Moore into the ring to berate him for his failure. He’s surprisingly positive, saying he’d rather he tried and failed than never tried at all. He accepts Moore’s apology and raises his arm and pulls him into an aggressive hug. 

• Tajiri faces Jamie Noble. This match has been done to death and while originally there was a story between these two, it’s long forgotten. They’re both very good wrestlers so the action is very crisp - Michael Cole mentions that Tajiri has been gone for a few weeks with a minor ankle injury. Tajiri picks up the win with a brutal kick to the head. I thought Noble brought in his cousin Nunzio to help end his losing streak? 
• This Smackdown features a couple of videos hyping the arrival of Australian superstar Nathan Jones. He didn’t amount to much but he will be a big part of Smackdown by Wrestlemania so he feels worthy of a little hype! I’ll talk about him more when he shows up of course.
• Later in the show we get to find out if Matt’s inspiration has helped Shannon as he goes one on one with Bill Demot. Matt Hardy joins commentary to discuss exactly that - Mattitude will lead Shannon to victory, and he needs to be tough and learn to do things on his own, apparently. Demot wins with a sitdown powerbomb. After the match, Matt applauded Shannon’s effort and hugs him again as Moore apologised for losing. It’s a fake out and Matt drills his MFer with a Twist of Fate. It’s tough love.
• There’s another video promoting the return of The Undertaker at the Royal Rumble. Last week it focused on his earlier career as the Deadman and this week it’s his late 90s career as the Ministry of Darkness Undertaker, using his awesome 1999 theme song with all the Latin being spoken over it. God I love both of his late 90s themes, he didn’t use them for nearly long enough.
• Later in the show, Eddie Guerrero is scheduled to face B2 and as he and John Cena make their entrance, a second rap is cut off by Los Guerreros attacking them from behind and kicking this match off aggressively. You can tell Los Guerreros are the good guys now because Michael Cole is full of praise for them both. Cena tries to get involved so Chavo hits him with one of the Tag Team title belts. The chaos on the outside allows Eddie to hit a brainbuster and follow with a Frog Splash to pick up the victory.

Raw - January 13th 2003

Big Rumble Moves and Bischoff’s Ultimatum

Out in the parking lot, the General Manager and Chief of Staff are waiting for the arrival of Mr. McMahon. A group of referees approach Bischof and Morley and talk about the recent mistreatment of the referees. Eric tells Chief Morley to deal with them. Scott Steiner is next - he doesn’t want to wait for the Royal Rumble, he wants to kick Triple H’s ass tonight! Bischoff tries to calm him down by telling him that he and Triple H are competing in a bench press contest tonight. Scott isn’t happy - he’s sick of playing games and so are the people. He refuses to promise that he won’t attack Triple H anyway.

Bischoff and Morley are still out in the parking lot waiting later on and are confronted by The Dudley Boyz. Bubba Ray and D-Von are pissed off at their recent treatment and are about to beat up the General Manager. Chief Morley steps in so they waste no time attacking him and beating him up until Eric has security eject them from the building. He’s going to fire them but when Bubba calls his bluff and says that they’ll just go to Smackdown, he suspends them without pay instead. In the third segment of Bischoff waiting, he opens the door of a limo assuming that it’s finally Vince McMahon but in fact it’s Mean Gean Okerlund. This is just a little advert for the Raw 10th anniversary show which was the night after this episode of Raw in New York City.

Chris Jericho goes to see Bischoff and he’s been thinking all week about what Shawn Michaels said last week. If he wants to prove that he’s the best then he has to enter the Rumble match at number 1 and win the whole thing. He doesn’t want to put one of his top guys so early in the match because he needs a Raw superstar to win it, so he tells Jericho to focus on the over the top rope challenge tonight and proving something there.

Vince McMahon finally arrives and heads immediately out into the arena after telling Eric Bischoff, with a big smile, that he is simply here to make an announcement. Vince hasn’t been on TV for months which has been such a nice, refreshing change. I think it was very obvious during the initial brand split that I was getting sick of the sight of him. The time away has made the fans appreciate seeing him and both JR and King heap praise on “the most powerful man in all of sports entertainment”. Vince McMahon starts his announcement about something that begun “10 years ago..” so presumably this is about Raw’s 10th anniversary but he’s interrupted very quickly by Bubba Ray and D-Von Dudley! They complain about Bischoff’s unfair treatment and they had nowhere else to turn. Vince says that no one throws their weight around but him! He gives Bubba Ray and D-Von a World Tag Team title match at the Royal Rumble and makes them promise that at some point during that match, we’ll see them put someone through a table! The Dudleyz leave and Vince returns to his announcement about Raw but is cut off a second time by Chris Jericho! He has a big smile on his face and obviously thinks that since he gave The Dudleyz what they want he’ll try his luck too! He sucks up to the Chairman and asks to be the number 1 entrant in the Royal Rumble match, since Bischoff denied him earlier. He needs to be number 1 and to win the whole Rumble so everyone knows that he’s the best in the business. Vince declares that whoever wins tonight’s over the top challenge can pick whatever number they want in the Royal Rumble match. You’d assume the winner would pick number 30 but Jericho says he’ll take number 1! Vince says he can’t have number 1 because Shawn Michaels has already claimed the number 1 entry! He then gets angry about the interruption and tells him to leave or he won’t be in the Rumble match at all!

The third and final interruption is by General Manager Eric Bischoff and Vince looks like he cannot believe the nerve. Eric asks how Vince can make him GM and then undermine his authority like this - Vince cuts him off, growling “SHUT UP!” Vince is pissed. He decides to turn this into a public job evaluation - Bischoff has been doing a good job but he hired him to do a great job. He wanted him to shake Raw to its foundations and revolutionise it. I’m not sure how Vince basically saying Raw has been good, not great for the past six months on live TV is helpful but he said it. He tells Bischoff that he has 30 days to turn Raw around or he’ll be fired!

After a commercial break, Bischoff chases Vince through the backstage to his limo, saying that there isn’t a man alive who can replace him or do as good a job of running Raw. Vince disagrees and stepping out of the McMahon limo is the boy wonder, Shane McMahon! Bischoff better get moving.

In the main event spot, Scott Steiner enters first and wants to waste no time. He says he’s going to embarrass Triple H and show how much he can bench and let Triple H try to match it. He asks for 585lbs “for starters”. Much like the muscle pose down last week, this is an example of Vince McMahon being into body building - a niche interest - but assuming everyone else has some base knowledge and interest about it too.

When Triple H enters, he isn’t exactly dressed to compete wearing a sharp shoot and strutting with the World Heavyweight Championship belt. He walks past the bench press arena and instead goes down to the ring. Triple H says he doesn’t give a crap about arm wrestling, pose downs or bench pressing. He only cares about being the best in the ring and being the World Champion. He tells Steiner that lots of people thought they could knock him down - The Rock, Stone Cold, Undertaker, Shawn Michaels and a host of others - and none of them could do it so Steiner can’t do it either. He talks a good talk but when they get in the ring, he will make an example of him and remain the World Champion. It’s the same promo Triple H has been cutting for three years at this point. Steiner says that these people didn’t come here to see a bench press contest anyway, they came to see a fight and so Big Poppa Pump heads down to the ring. The Game attacks him as soon as he gets in but it doesn’t last and despite his best efforts, Freakzilla beats Triple H from pillar to post, tearing this suit off as he does it. With the World Champion stripped to his underwear and socks, he finally escapes from the ring. Steiner dares him to come back and get his title belt and does pushups on top of it to prove his point. 

In the main event, Rob Van Dam, Kane, Chris Jericho and Batista - four of the Raw favourites in the match - compete in an Over the Top challenge with the winner now getting to pick any number in the Rumble match they want (between 2 and 30). Batista, Kane and RVD would presumably pick number 30 for entry but Jericho has made it clear he’ll be entering at number 2 if he can, to prove he’s better than Shawn Michaels. Batista doesn’t have Ric Flair with him tonight. The Nature Boy wasn’t with Triple H either so must be at home this week. This is every man for themselves but as Kane and RVD have been a team a few times lately, it seems like Van Dam’s attempts to befriend Kane have started to work as he actually saves RVD from Jericho, shoving him to safety and they work fairly seamlessly together with double team moves. The finish comes out of no where as the big man battle it out and Batista and Kane eliminate each other, and then Jericho is able to sneakily shove RVD up and over too to win the match! Jericho wins and while logic says that he should take number 30 - something he acknowledges - but if Shawn Michaels is number 1 then he wants to enter at number 2, and he’ll start the match and win the whole thing and prove he’s better than HBK. That brings Shawn Michaels rushing to the ring and they fight it out. HBK launches Jericho up and over the top rope to prove a point and ends Raw doing a little dance.

It’s good to be the King

In the World Tag Team Champion’s locker room, William Regal and Lance Storm make fun of Jerry Lawler, specifically his autobiography. Regal says it’s pathetic the way he talks about his ex wives especially the last one (that was The Kat, remember?) and that all his kids hate him. Back in the arena, The King tells JR that he has a plan and isn’t worried. It’s Jerry Lawler vs. William Regal, which is an odd match given that until-recently heel commentator Lawler was always such a huge William Regal fan. Regal isn’t done mocking King and reads a small section of his book “I may have been a King in the ring but in the bedroom I was nothing but a mere Court Jester.” I’ve not done a very good job of keeping my dislike of Jerry Lawler a secret so it won’t surprise you that I’m rooting for Regal here.

Before the match begins, more referees rush the ring to assist with the searching of Regal and they find the brass knuckles he had hidden in his knee pad. Smartly, they also search Lance Storm and find a second, backup pair hidden in his elbow pad! That’s enough to get him ejected from ringside. Lawler uses all of this distraction to pull a small chain out of his own boot and knocks Regal out! The referee spots it and disqualifies King, which is fair enough. 

Other Happenings

• In the opening match we have a first time ever match - a triple threat hardcore rules match for the WWE Women’s Championship. Victoria defends against Trish Stratus and Jacqueline. This isn’t as good as Trish and Victoria’s hardcore match at Survivor Series but it’s physical and Steven Richards being at ringside adds a new wrinkle. He makes the difference and hits Trish with a trash can lid allowing Victoria to retain the title. The action isn’t over and when Victoria and Richards try to beat up Trish, Jackie makes the save. Richards has no issues beating up women and dumps Jackie to the outside and then spikes Trish with a DDT. He holds her in position for a big kendo stick shot off the ropes but The Hurricane runs to the ring and rescues Trish. What a superhero.

• Test teams with Maven to take on the recently formed team of D’Lo Brown and Christopher Nowinski. Test gets a decent reaction from the Testicles but as always, the reaction is more for Stacy Keibler than him. D’Lo is thankfully back to wearing his actual wrestling gear after experimenting with different looks the last couple of weeks. Test is amped up and after Maven is isolated for a while and makes the hot tag, Test puts down Nowinski with his Testdrive finisher. He misses a Big Boot and flies over the top rope and when D’Lo hits the Sky High on Maven, the referee won’t count because Maven isn’t the legal man. Brown gets so focused on arguing with the referee and by Stacy on the apron, Test comes in with a Big Boot and wins the match for his team.
• Jeff Hardy faces Raven, with a stipulation that the winner of this match will get the 15th and final Raw slot in the Royal Rumble match. Seems wild they wouldn’t just give it to Jeff Hardy given how low on the pecking order Raven is. Raven has changed up his look and has cut his hair and switched to classic wrestling gear - he looks in great shape. There’s a nice continuity here as the last time Raven was on Raw (losing a “loser leaves Raw” match to Tommy Dreamer) he was in a brief feud with Jeff Hardy and got beaten up by Matt Hardy on his way out the door. Jeff wins a surprisingly competitive match with a Swanton Bomb to secure himself a spot in the Rumble match. Given how insanely popular he’s always been, it's weird that Jeff hasn’t been on Raw more lately. He walks with a bad limp during this so I wonder if he was working with a few nagging injuries. 
• Sean O’Haire was on Raw right before Christmas, telling kids that Santa isn’t real. That was the start of a very short lived gimmick which I’ll talk about at a later date because I find it very interesting and wish it had gone somewhere.

• Booker T, with Goldust faces Lance Storm, with William Regal. They shoot dirty looks at King and JR as they pass and when they get to the ring, the referees are once again quick to check the Tag Team Champions for hidden brass knuckles. Regal tries to get involved, Goldust fights him off and that brings Bubba Ray and D-Von to the ring to attack their Royal Rumble opponents. The match is thrown out as a no contest and the World Tag Team Champions retreat while The Dudleyz celebrate with title belts they haven’t won yet.

• The Hurricane faces Steven Richards. Raw’s resident superhero has Trish Stratus with him after he rescued her earlier tonight and Richards of course has Victoria as his backup. Hurricane picks up the win with a chokeslam and then when Victoria tries to attack him, she’s taken down by Trish’s Chick Kick and they’re sent running for cover for the second time tonight by Hurricane and Trish.
• The same video package promoting the arrival of Nathan Jones which was shown on Smackdown is shown here. They obviously hadn’t decided which brand the giant Australian would be working on yet. 

Smackdown - January 16th 2003

Smackdown opens with the sad news that Al Wilson has passed away.

Just in case anyone is concerned, no Al wasn’t really sexed to death by Dawn Marie. He lived many more years, passing away for real in 2019. His widow, Dawn Marie-Wilson tells us about her heartbreak, and what was certainly an inside joke, how much her husband loved publicity and being in the spotlight. He was a terrible actor who did not want to do any of this storyline but was willing to in order to help his daughter’s career. 

At Al Wilson’s televised wake, Dawn Marie in an extremely revealing dress is the only person there. Dawn sobs and tells the man standing watch to let Al’s friends and family know she just needs a few more moments. Cole and Tazz got a laugh out of me by rehashing their “Look at Al” and “Look at Dawn” shtick with a somber, sad tone. Dawn opens the casket and talks to her dead husband - Al is a good sport for laying in the casket and playing dead like this. Dawn’s grief and love for him does at least seem sincere. She looks directly into the camera about four times as she gives us a sad, gender swapped version of the Triple H and Katie Vick sex tape and kisses him.

Back at Al Wilson’s wake there’s a showdown as with the room now full of mourners, Torrie Wilson arrives to pay respects to her father. It’s a tense staredown between her and Dawn over the casket! Later as Torrie sobs, Dawn accuses her of faking her tears and being the reason Al is dead - she broke her father’s heart. Dawn slaps Torrie and when Torrie slaps her stepmother back, Dawn knocks the casket over! Torrie is distraught and so Dawn smashes a lamp over the back of her head, knocking her out right next to her dad’s coffin. Jesus Christ. This is so emotionally charged that in real life, one of these women would get a knife or a gun or something to end it properly. Instead, we’ve got a probably sub-5 minute match at the Royal Rumble to look forward to. It doesn’t even have a stipulation.

Benoit chases his Dream

After a video package on the formation of Team Angle and their destruction of Chris Benoit in the past few weeks, Chris Benoit sits down for a serious interview about his career. As always, I feel slightly uneasy covering Chris Benoit in too much detail but the jist of this is him talking about his many injuries and personal and professional sacrifices to get him to this point. Winning the WWE Championship would make all of his sacrifices worth it. He does also mention his wife and kids here, which I’m not going to dwell on but made me sad for what I hope are obvious reasons.

In the main event, WWE Champion Kurt Angle leads Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin into action in a 3 on 3 handicap match against Chris Benoit and Edge. Kurt is still walking with a crutch despite being in his wrestling gear.

 In practice, this is more of a straight tag team match with Kurt staying at ringside, not even on the apron, for most of it so there’s no chance of him being tagged in. This is a long match, with Team Angle cutting off and isolating Edge for a long time, with team captain Angle chipping in with cheap shots. Benoit finally gets the hot tag and motors through everyone with suplexes. Kurt Angle charges with the WWE title belt but Benoit takes him down into the Crippler Crossface. Kurt isn’t the legal man but when Benoit refuses to listen to the referee and break the hold, he’s disqualified. Team Angle wins via disqualification but Benoit continues to wrench at the WWE Champion for a long time. He’s about to attack Kurt with his own crutch but Haas and Benjamin pull their leader to safety and Smackdown ends with him licking his wounds at the top of the ramp while Edge puts the WWE title belt over Benoit’s shoulder triumphantly in the ring.

Lesnar’s Momentum

Smackdown General Manager Stephanie McMahon comes out onto the stage with some announcements for tonight’s show. She teases the crowd with a match between Big Show and Brock Lesnar but instead gives us Big Show and A-Train vs. Brock Lesnar and a mystery partner. It’ll probably be Edge right?

In the General Manager’s office as she tries to get more details on Eric Bischoff being fired from her brother Shane over the phone, Brock Lesnar enters and tells Stephanie that he doesn’t need a partner and will beat up Show and A-Train by himself. She says she hopes he wins, and wins the Rumble and goes to Wrestlemania but she doesn’t want him to get hurt. He says he’ll see his partner when he gets to the ring. That match is next.

Paul Heyman speaks on behalf of his client, Big Show. He mentions that in the Royal Rumble match he’ll have multiple clients - Charlie Haas, Shelton Benjamin, his friend A-Train and Big Show - after he defeats Brock Lesnar earlier in the night - and so the main event of Wrestlemania will be one of his clients vs. his OTHER client, the WWE Champion Kurt Angle, after he himself beats Chris Benoit. Paul Heyman is flying high with this roster of talent under his umbrella. I was wrong earlier though - Brock’s partner is the returning Rey Mysterio! He’s been missing since A-Train injured his knee but in reality he’s had minor knee surgery and is all healed up. He and Lesnar rush the ring and Brock floors A-Train with an F5. Rey follows with a 619 and a springboard splash and they win this match in seconds, easily defeating A-Train as Big Show and Heyman make their escape, unscathed. 

Other Happenings

• Before the opening match, both Los Guerreros confirm that they will both be in the Royal Rumble match and have a funny back and forth about who would win between the two of them - Eddie used to always beat Chavo at basketball but he cheated! These two are so funny together. Their opponents in this WWE Tag Team Championship match are John Cena and B2. Cena’s pre-match rap continues to lean heavily on casual racism with lots of Taco Bell and illegal immigration mentions, and B2 finishes off with a nice loud BOOYAH. Los Guerreros retain the titles in a short match and then, after the loss, John Cena blames B2 for the loss. Their argument leads to a fight which is quickly broken up by an unnamed third party who attacks B2, locking him in an armbar until Cena tells him to stop and the pay leave together. Later on the show in an interview with Josh Matthews, John Cena reveals that the man’s name is Red Dog. This is his one and only Smackdown appearance and I’ll talk about him more in the next Preview as he crops up on Raw with an entirely different gimmick. I have no idea what they were thinking.

• More hype for Nathan Jones. He’ll be treated like a medium to big deal when he initially turns up.
• Rikishi goes one on one with Bill Demot. Before the match, Demot says that he’s been accused of being a bully because he’s only faced small opponents but tonight he’ll beat someone bigger and prove he’s as good as he says he is. It’s a fairly rubbish match which Demot wins by countering an attempted Rump Shaker into a powerbomb to pick up an upset victory.
• Backstage, Cruiserweight Champion Billy Kidman chats to Smackdown’s Number One Announcer Funaki about his upcoming interview with Matt Hardy and Shannon Moore. Kidman jokes that interviewing Matt Hardy and Shannon Moore is really just interviewing Matt because Shannon never gets a word in. The sensei of Matttude and his MFer arrive and take issue with that, Matt calling Kidman a loser who no one wants to listen to and mocking Funaki for not being able to speak fluent English. What’s with all the casual racism tonight? Funaki throws a punch and Hardy and Moore run off rather than fight the Champion and announcer combo. 

• Tajiri faces Nunzio, with his cousin Jamie Noble and Nidia at ringside. Tajiri is in the Royal Rumble match and has a quick prematch promo where he speaks very quickly in Japanese and mimes blowing lots of poison mist in every direction. This is a decent little match with Tajiri getting multiple near falls with kicks to the head. Nidia gets up on the apron to cause a distraction and Tajiri blows his green mist in her face. The distraction did work because Nunzio scored with a tornado armbreaker (terrible finishing move) to win the match. 

• Here’s a little recap of the special Raw 10th Anniversary show from The World in New York City. I had this entire show on DVD back in the day - it was a fun watch, but it’s aged terribly given that Raw is now 32 years old as I write this. My main memory of this show? Trish Stratus’ dress.

• There’s another video hyping the return of The Undertaker at the Royal Rumble. This one does at least focus on his time as the American Badass, which is what we’re getting on Sunday.
• Matt Fact - Matt was in the academically gifted class in elementary school! He’s facing Funaki and he’s brought Cruiserweight Champion Billy Kidman out to back him up. Funaki has Matt on the ropes for a lot of this match which is nice to see - good to elevate some fresh faces. The action is very good, as it often is when it involves the cruiserweights. Shannon Moore tries to get involved and Kidman is forced to fight him off. The fighting means that the referee is too distracted to count Funaki’s pin. Matt recovers and with a Twist of Fate, Version 1 picks up another victory. 

A tight Royal Rumble card and in a nice change from Armageddon, Smackdown’s half of the show is extremely fleshed out this time with none of it having been thrown together at the last minute.