Royal Rumble - Selland Arena, Fresno California, January 21st 1996

The ninth annual Royal Rumble! The Rumble match itself has multiple favourites and possible winners for the first time in a few years, the WWF title match is a first-time-ever meeting of two crowd favourite main eventers and the rest of the card is filled out with new faces. I’m excited for this one guys.

I mentioned this in the Preview but the company has clearly started to see Sunny’s appeal beyond as a manager. You can tell Vince Russo is on the writing team now right? With these Sunny skits and the Billionaire Ted stuff? Anyway, here’s the awesome opening video for the PPV. I loved this one. The event has a new theme song too, and its been pointed out before but doesn’t the logo look a little like the Toy Story logo? 

Mr. Perfect returns to commentary which as far as I’m aware is only the second time we’re seeing him on TV since his return at Survivor Series. 

Ahmed Johnson vs. Jeff Jarrett

Jeff returned last month at In Your House after walking out in a huff after In Your House 2. Has he smoothed things over? No, this is a purely contractual thing. He was still mad at WWF creative and (spoilers) this is the last we’ll be seeing of Double J until late 1997 as he departed for WCW shortly after this PPV. 

Ahmed Johnson is popular by virtue of how hard he’s being pushed but my goodness is he clumsy in the ring. He’s a big powerful brute but lacks any finesse whatsoever and his moves all look, in my oh so humble opinion, terrible. 

Double J gives him the run around and lands cheap shots but Ahmed no-sells it and throws Jeff around the ring and bumps him hard with clotheslines and shoulder tackles. Even Johnson’s pin attempts look rubbish to my eyes but I don’t want to be too negative about him - I do try to keep these reviews positive! 

Jeff finally gets some moves in after Johnson falls out of the ring and ties his arm up in the ropes. I have no idea if that was planned or not but it worked out and Jeff follows up with a flying clothesline off the apron and then running the newcomer into the steel ringsteps. 

Jarrett comes off the middle rope with an axe handle to the back which Ahmed no-sells and shakes off. He comes off the ropes with three more to the same result and the fourth is caught and turned into a messy spinebuster, followed by a slam and then another spinebuster. Jeff bails out of the ring to catch his breath and in a spot NO ONE saw coming the big thick Johnson hits a running dive up and over the ropes to the floor! He clipped Double J on the way down but mostly landed on the concrete shoulder and head first. Jesus. He’s fine and gets right back up but then he misses a flipping splash off the top rope (!!) which Jarrett avoids and then locks in the Figure Four. My God where did all this high flying come from?

Ahmed breaks the hold by rolling over but Jeff keeps hammering on his now injured leg with kicks and elbows until he’s kicked out of the ring. Jarrett grabs his guitar and comes off the top rope with it, smashing it on Ahmed’s head! That looked great, but ends the match via disqualification. Honestly? This match wasn’t terrible and had more than one spot which shocked me. Jeff Jarrett leaves triumphant and in the ring Ahmed shakes off the attack and chases off after him. 

Backstage Todd Pettengill interviews one of the favourites in tonight’s Rumble match, Big Daddy Cool Diesel. He puts over his recent change in attitude by comparing himself to a teenager who’s been left home alone unattended and can do whatever he wants. How bad ass. He mentions some of the other favourites including his friend Shawn Michaels and the newly debuting Vader. He says he doesn’t mind whether it's Bret or Undertaker he faces at Wrestlemania because neither one of them can stand up to “The Big D”. I don’t think that means what you think it means. 

WWF Tag Team Championships

The Smoking Gunns © (Billy and Bart Gunn) vs. The Bodydonnas (Skip and Zip w/Sunny)

I have no idea when Dr. Tom Prichard shaved his head and changed his name to Zip, and I have no idea when this team earned a shot at the Tag Team titles. The storyline here is more focused on Sunny. “What Sunny wants, Sunny gets” and there have been a lot of implications that Sunny has used her “feminine wiles” to talk President Gorilla Monsoon into giving them this Championship match.

The Smoking Gunns feel like they’ve been champions forever by virtue of being the only tag team on the roster. They did win the Raw Bowl on January 1st.

Vince and Perfect make jokes on commentary about not being able to tell Skip and Zip apart - that’s dumb, they are wildly different looking human beings despite their similar haircuts. 

The Bodydonnas isolate Billy Gunn in the early going but Bart uses his power to launch them both up and over the top rope and get his team back into it. It’s back and forth in the early going and Billy gets the fans behind him with a big “COME ON!” yell. They were easily pleased in 1996. 

Sunny does a good job of distracting the Smoking Gunns, giving them flirty waves, blowing kisses and even lifting her skirt a little. That would definitely work on me too lads so don’t beat yourself up about it. I’m not sure what’s going on but Skip’s singlet must be too big for him because the shoulder straps keep slipping off and need constant adjustment. Sunny is the big story of the match though and distracts the referee. She’s knocked off the apron accidentally by Billy (with a BIG look up her skirt) and he goes out to check on her like a valiant babyface. It’s a ruse and allows the Bodydonnas to beat him up two on one while she giggles at her deception. She has by far the most personality of anyone involved in this match. 

Skip and Zip tag in and out working over Billy with slams and elbows off the middle rope for a string of near falls but the cowboy continues to kick out and frantically escapes to tag in the bigger Bart. He runs through both challengers with punches, clotheslines and big back body drops. It breaks down with all four men in the ring and the Gunns set up for the Sidewinder on Zip. They have the visual three count but Sunny distracts the referee. Skip lands on them with a splash off the top to reverse the pin but Bart kicks out of that. That was a good false finish.

They try a double suplex on Bart but Billy tackles Zip and Bart turns it into a small package on Skip to retain the the tag team titles in a decent match. 

Vince throws to a compilation of “something that’s very popular here in the WWF”, Billionaire Ted’s Rasslin’ War Room. Here it is for you to enjoy. These stopped at Wrestlemania 12 so I’ll save my final thoughts on them for then. This was the WWF’s first shot in the Monday Night War so they’re worth documenting.

WWF Intercontinental Championship

Razor Ramon © vs. Goldust (w/Marlena)

Does this feud make Razor look homophobic? On the surface yes but this storyline has more nuance than you’d expect in 1996. Goldust is playing mind games with Razor and being disingenuous, but also he’s forcing his advances on Razor despite the Bad Guy not being interested which DOES make him a heel. 

Who is Marlena? Well this is her debut so she’s as big of a surprise to me as anyone else. Neither Vince nor Perfect know her name, played by Terri Runnels the real-life wife of Dustin wearing a lovely golden dress and chomping on a massive cigar. 

This show is also the debut of Goldust’s better known theme song. It was the same song prior to this but was far more repetitive. This event introduces the version with changes and different bits of music to break it up. His ring gear looks nicer too - it’s shiny rather than matte. 

Razor looks confident and excited to finally get his hands on Goldust (not like that, perverts) and the bizarre one blows kisses to his mystery woman at ringside and ignores the Intercontinental Champion until the bell rings.

Goldust continues to tease and taunt Razor until he finally has had enough and attacks, slinging him around by the arm and tugging on his shoulder. Credit to Goldust who bumps and flails around and makes Ramon look like a million bucks. He goes over to the woman in the Director’s chair for advice and they continue to grapple. Goldust runs his hands seductively over Razor’s chest during a tie up and that freaks out the Bad Guy. Goldust is very much inside his head. 

The match continues like that with Razor in control but then Goldust doing something like spanking him or licking his lips to get Razor to back off. On the outside Razor uses the woman in gold as a human shield which is very effective and Ramon has no choice but to back off and get back in the ring. There’s very little wrestling going on in this wrestling match - lots of stalling and character work. After more stalling the second human shield attempt works better as Goldust manages to get in a big cheap shot and rocks Razor with big punches on the outside and controls things back in the ring.His offence consists mostly of big punches and a running bulldog for the first near fall of the match. I’ve commented before that I’ve found all of Goldust’s matches to be very dull since his debut but he does at least break out some new moves in this one like a slingshot back suplex and dragging him to the ropes so that the woman can blow gold dust into his face. I’m not sure whether to call her Marlena because I know who she is, or play along with her having not been introduced yet.

Goldust locks in a long, long sleeper hold which Razor finally breaks with an undetected low blow. He picks up the pace and gets a near fall with a chokeslam and then another with the fall away slam. Goldust climbs the ropes - I have no idea why or what he was going for - and is blocked and brought down with a big back suplex. The woman gets into the ring and distracts the referee, tripping and “hurting her ankle”. With the referee totally distracted the 1-2-3 Kid comes through the crowd and wipes out Razor with a big kick off the top rope! Goldust covers and just like that we have a new Intercontinental Champion! After the match Goldust and his lady confirm they are an item with a weird kiss/lick to the face.

In preparation for the Royal Rumble match here’s some comments from the names in this match. These days they’d have kept things like the return of Jake Roberts and even Shawn Michaels, or the debut of Vader secret to give us a couple of surprises BUT in 1996, hyping and selling as many PPV buys as possible is all that mattered. Of note, earlier tonight on the Free for All pre-show, Hunter Hearst Helmsley and Duke “The Dumpster” Droese pulled blank numbers out of the tumbler which meant they wrestled each other. Duke won which means he is number 30 and HHH is the number 1 entrant. 

1996 30-man Royal Rumble match

Number One we already know is Triple H, and Number Two is his recent rival and feud Henry O. Godwin. He comes out to a really bouncy bit of country music but its so loud that I can’t even hear the commentators making me think they’ve dubbed it over whatever his actual theme was at this event. Weird. H.O.G bounces Hunter around the ring and dominates him, lifting him with a Gorilla press but a rake to the eye saves him from elimination. Number Three is Mr. Bob Backlund who goes right after Godwin but shows it's every man for themselves by throwing blows at HHH too. He held the record at the time for the longest ever stint in a Royal Rumble match. Number Four is Jerry “The King” Lawler who guaranteed that someone Royal would win this match (himself or King Mabel basically). He tries to get HHH to buddy up with him and Backlund and suggests slopping Godwin with his own bucket. A kick to the gut stops that and Godwin clears the ring threatening to slop them all. They all went out through the ropes so no one is eliminated and Henry throws the slop at them all on the outside - Lawler gets the worst of it.

The lone babyface in the ring beats up all three of them until Number Five Bob “Sparkplugg” Holly enters. Everyone pairs off and trades punches, shoving each other into the corners and there’s no spots before Number Six King Mabel (with Sir Mo) enters. Billed at over 500lbs you’d assume Mabel would be one of the favourites but anyone who’s paid attention to the booking wouldn’t. He goes right after Henry Godwin. Number Seven is the returning legend, Jake “The Snake” Roberts. Jake left the company in 1992 with some hurt feelings and sour grapes and after a stint in WCW was now a born again Christian who had finally conquered his demons. Sadly neither of those things were true and he had simply gotten better at hiding his alcohol and drug dependency. He enters the ring and releases his enormous 12 foot python which sends everyone running except Jerry Lawler who’s caught hand has the snake put on top of him. The fans go NUTS for that spot. He escapes too and the snake is safely removed.

Things settle down and everyone re-enters the ring…except Jerry Lawler. He wasn’t eliminated so where is he? Number Eight is Dory Funk Junior. That’s the little brother of Terry Funk and he wrestled in the WWF pre-Wrestlemania. He’s basically an old man and I’m not sure in the logic of bringing both him and Roberts back to the WWF now, especially during a period where the WWF is openly mocking WCW for employing old men like Hogan and Macho. Jerry Lawler is shown hiding under the ring just before Number Nine, the enormous Yokozuna enters. He won the 1993 Royal Rumble making him one of only two men in this match who’d won the Rumble before. Yoko immediately eliminates Bob Backlund. That is sadly the last we’ll be seeing of Backlund as he went back into retirement and has wrestled only a handful of matches in the 30 years since. I’ll miss him. Yokozuna and King Mabel pair off as the two largest men in the match and grapple to eliminate each other while the crowd chants “DDT” for Jake Roberts. Number Ten is the 1-2-3 Kid. He’s chased to the ring by Razor Ramon who sprints around the ring. Referees try to catch and contain him and finally do, escorting him to the back. Number Eleven is Takao Omari from All Japan Wrestling. He gets no reaction and this is, as far as I’m aware, his only WWF appearance. He has a decent showing, knocking King Mabel off his feet with chops and a dropkick. Number Twelve is Savio Vega. He gets about the same reaction as Omari but does pop the crowd with a spinning heel kick on Mabel. The King is then eliminated by Yokozuna and, much like Bob Backlund, that is the last we’ll see of him for a couple of years and the last we’ll ever see of Sir Mo. The company was losing talent primarily for financial reasons but in King Mabel’s case it was due to his weight issues. He was sent home to improve his health and condition (he never did). 

Number Thirteen is the debuting Vader. I love this guy’s theme song and it was at this point that it dawned on me that for the first time, every entrant has had their theme song play when they come out. That’s a really positive change. Vader was a former WCW World Champion and a welcome addition to the WWF. He’s managed by Jim Cornette so we all know he’s a heel right off the bat and the big man throws around the scrubs like Bob Holly and Savio with ease.

Savio Vega eliminates Dory Funk. Number Fourteen is another spot filler, Doug Gilbert from the USWA. He’s here as part of the talent sharing deal with Jerry Lawler’s USWA. Mr. Perfect does his best to put this guy over by talking about his brother Eddie. Vader eliminates Jake Roberts with no ceremony and then hammers on Doug Gilbert. More debuts with Squat Team Member 1 at Number Fifteen. Squat Team Member 2 is Number Sixteen. Neither of these guys get names, they are just member 1 and member 2 because no one can tell them apart. Not a terrible gimmick as it happens for a tag team but rather limiting. Vader launches Doug Gilbert out of the ring with no effort, followed by Squatt Team Member 1. Squat Team Member 2 is thrown out seconds later by Yokozuna despite their attempt to work together. And that is the last we'll be seeing of the Samoan Sqatt Team. 

Number Seventeen is another realistic favourite for this match, Owen Hart. Perfect really pus over that Owen is the man who injured Shawn Michaels with a swift kick to the head and says he has the most dangerous martial arts kick in the entire WWF. Vader and Yokozuna work together to crush Savio Vega, whipping each other into the corner to squash him a couple of times which gets a good reaction from the crowd. Number Eighteen is Shawn Michaels. He’s had time to finally grow out the rest of his mullet and looks great as he runs to the ring and starts throwing rights and lefts at everyone. Veader eliminates Savio Vega and takes off his mask to start throwing punches with Yokozuna - it looks really stiff! They brawl near the ropes and HBK comes from behind and single handedly eliminates Yokozuna and Vader at the same time! He follows up by launching the 1-2-3 Kid over the ropes too. Michaels has made a huge impact. Number Nineteen is Hakushi. On the outside Vader is angry and lays out Yokozuna while their manager Jim Cornette tries to talk sense into them. Vader gets into the ring and beats up Michaels, peppering him with rights and lefts about the head and shoulders and then picks him up and throws him up and over the top rope all the way to the floor. He does the same to Bob Holly and HHH and finally Owen Hart. Gorilla Monsoon and a bunch of referees and officials finally manage to calm down Vader and get him to leave and the ruling is that no one Vader eliminated is ACTUALLY eliminated because he was no longer in the match.

Shawn Michaels has fun throwing out Jim Cornette as Number Twenty, Tatanka comes to the ring. This is Tatanka’s return to TV with his legal issues cleared up (he was accused of assault by a woman but he wasn’t involved - it was Jimmy del Ray) and there’s no mention of his previous alliance with the Million Dollar Corporation. Number Twenty One is Aldo Montoya. Hakushi was eliminated by Owen Hart while he came to the ring and this match is also the last we’ll be seeing of Hakushi who left the WWF and returned to Japan after this event. I liked Hakushi so that is a loss. Shawn Michaels gets out of the ring and takes a walk, finding Jerry Lawler hiding under the ring. He drags King kicking and screaming out from under the ring and throws him into the ring and then straight out to eliminate him.

Tatanka throws out Montoya at the same time. Number Twenty Two is Diesel and the ring is now filling up with favourites and actual stars. He instantly throws out Tatanka and punches Shawn Michaels. The two best friends trade blows - it’s every man for themselves! Diesel does at least save HBK from being eliminated and the commentators pick up on it - he’s obviously conflicted between winning and friendship. Number Twenty Three is Kama who has shaved his head since we last saw him. He has new theme music too, but Vince does comment on the fact that he is still affiliated with the Million Dollar Corporation. Number Twenty Four is the Million Dollar Champion The Ringmaster. Vince does tell us that his real name is Steve Austin which I appreciate. No shock that I’m a huge fan of this guy and so is Perfect, heaping praise on him and calling him close to Perfect. He rushes the ring and moves fast throwing punches and kicks at everyone. He eliminates Bob Holly and it’s fun to see The Ringmaster and Hunter Hearst Helmsley throw punches at each other. A feud from another time. Number Twenty Five is Barry Horowitz who gets no reaction - I think that comedy underdog gimmick has overstayed its welcome. Diesel suddenly throws HHH out of the ring. He had an impressive showing for his first Royal Rumble lasting over 50 minutes. Number Twenty Six is Fatu. Perfect and Vince do their best to make him seem like a big deal. Shawn Michaels and Owen Hart engage in an epic elimination battle, trying to suplex each other up and out of the ring and coming close time and time again. Good stuff. Number Twenty Seven is Isaac Yankem D.D.S. Owen Hart eliminates Barry Horowitz and then puts down Michaels with a big kick to the head. Michaels reverses an attempt to throw him out and sends Owen Hart out of the ring but then walks into a superkick by The Ringmaster who then does Shawn Michaels’ trademark muscle pose. That made me laugh but he is clubbed from behind by Diesel. Number Twenty Eight is Marty Jannetty. There’s a pop from the crowd seeing former tag team partners Shawn Michaels and Marty Jannetty go at it and knock each other down with a double clothesline. The ring is pretty full but there’s only two men in the ring who realistically have a chance of winning in Shawn Michaels and Diesel. Number Twenty Nine is the British Bulldog and of course we already know that Number Thirty is Duke “The Dumpster” Droese. Somewhere in the melee The Ringmaster was eliminated by Fatu, and both Marty and Fatu were both eliminated by the Bulldog. I missed all three eliminations as I believe they happened during people’s entrances. Shawn Michaels and the Bulldog fight on the outside (not eliminated) and Owen Hart runs back to the ring and attacks Michaels, slamming him into the security wall before he’s escorted out by referees.

Diesel saves his friend from being eliminated by Bulldog and Michaels knocks out Isaac Yankem with a dropkick. Droese is thrown out by Diesel leaving the final four as Diesel, Michaels, Bulldog and….Kama. HBK out manoeuvres Bulldog and clotheslines him up and over just before Diesel throws out Kama. The two best friends are the final two but not for long as Shawn Michaels catches Diesel by surprise with a Sweet Chin Music which knocks him up and over the top rope! Shawn Michaels wins the Royal Rumble match for the second year in a row. 

Vince speculates whether this will ruin their friendship as sore loser Diesel beats up Bulldog in the entrance ramp. Dok Hendrix tries to interview Diesel but he’s so angry he can barely speak. He tells him that Shawn can celebrate now but only because he allows it. He goes back to the ring and interrupts HBK’s comedy stripper routine and teases attacking him but instead puts his hand up for the big jumping high five. Their friendship is saved and Shawn Michaels is going to Wrestlemania. This wasn’t much of a Royal Rumble - there were no real spots - but it was nice to see fresh faces HHH and The Ringmaster shine and some stories were set up for the future involving Michaels and Owen Hart, Bulldog and Diesel and others. Not a bad match and it definitely had the right outcome. Shawn celebrates with a lap of the ring slapping hands and hugging fans which I enjoyed.

WWF Championship

Bret Hart © vs. The Undertaker (w/Paul Bearer)

The show wastes no time and goes straight into The Undertaker’s entrance for the main event. Is it weird that the show isn’t closing with the Rumble? No, not really because this is a huge match. This wasn’t the first time these two men had been in the ring together but it is their first significant marquee match. As The Undertaker makes his entrance we discover that Diesel was still at ringside after failing to win the Rumble match, depressed. He gets in Undertaker’s face and shoves Paul Bearer. He and Undertaker trade punches as referees try to split them up. Big Daddy Cool has said more than once that he has no problem with The Undertaker personally, he’s just mad that he’s been given a title shot before him. It seems that failing to win the Rumble has pushed him over the edge and Diesel calls out “I ain’t afraid of the dark!” as he’s led to the back. That was exciting before we even get to the match! Undertaker is still wearing his awesome Phantom of the Opera style protective mask. 

Before the match Bret kisses the WWF title belt as he always does and presents his sunglasses to a young man in the front row with down syndrome. That puts a big smile on his face and gives Vince a happy chuckle. That was a genuinely lovely moment. 

Bret starts fast and peppers Undertaker with punches but the Deadman no-sells it all and lifts Bret into the corner and gives him body blows and a choke. The story for this match is easy to see with Bret having to use speed and skill and Undertaker being a big powerful monster. I’m happy to see Undertaker get this match as for the past two years he’s exclusively wrestled big useless lumps. He is capable of having very good matches with the right opponents and always was. 

Undertaker slowly grinds down the Hitman until he fights out of it with big strikes and sends Undertaker to the outside. He dives out after the big man and takes him down but is reversed into the ring post and Undertaker slams Bret into the security wall next. Both inside the ring and out he is overmatched in this match.

As they re-enter the ring Bret gets a kick to Undertaker’s knee and predictably thats where he puts his focus, hamming the challenger’s knee as the fans lightly boo. Bret is still beloved but not as much as The Undertaker it seems. 

It was a very rare thing to see Undertaker sell in 1996 and even rarer to see him wrestle a match like this where the facade drops slightly and we get a glimpse of it being just a man playing a character. Bret spends a lot of time working over his leg and Undertaker is careful not to literally scream in pain and ruin his own mystique which I appreciate. Perfect is good on commentary too and you can tell he was a huge fan of Bret the way he puts him over and analyses his strategy. Good stuff.

Undertaker finally kicks Bret hard enough to break up the endless leg lock and throws the champion out of the ring. He throws him into the ring steps, the security wall, the timekeeper’s table and chokes him with a camera cable. On the other side of the ring Paul Bearer has the referee distracted so Undertaker hits him in the ribs with a steel chair too. He desperately wants to be WWF Champion. 

Bret slows things back down in the ring with a well-timed kick to the knee and goes back to the challenger’s leg and they start trading blows. Undertaker gets a near fall with a leg drop and Bret goes into his finishing routine five moves of doom. Side sweep, running bulldog and then a backbreaker but Undertaker keeps sitting up. The pin point elbow off the middle ropes gives Bret a chance to lock in the Sharpshooter but Undertaker stops that with a hand around the throat! He doesn’t chokeslam him for some reason and gives him a knee to the gut instead. They both go down to a double clothesline and Bret recovers first and removes one of the turnbuckle covers. Neither of these men is afraid to get dirty to be WWF Champion and Bret proves it by removing The Undertaker’s protective mask. Everyone sells it like Undertaker is hideous but his face is all healed up and he looks the same as ever. Bret drives his face into the exposed metal bolt and that gets a lot of boos from the crowd. They don’t like either of these babyfaces acting like heels. Undertaker shrugs it off and catches Bret and turns him into a Tombstone out of nowhere! Undertaker has the title won but Diesel appears at ringside and pulls the referee out of the ring! The bell rings and Undertaker is declared the winner…via disqualification. 

That means of course that Bret is still WWF Champion. Diesel has screwed the Deadman out of the title all because he was mad he didn’t get a title shot. Diesel throws a smirk at Undertaker followed by a middle finger. That sets off Undertaker and he gives chase, hobbling and leaving Bret alone in the ring to celebrate holding onto his title. This was a good match but was quite dull for a long stretch in the middle. I think 28 minutes was too long for this match and would have been improved by cutting five minutes out of the middle. 

At the end of my version of this show I get a little extra - the Royal Rumble Plus. It’s basically an extra 10 minutes of interviews and comments from Shawn Michaels, Bret Hart and others. None of it is very interesting but what is of note is that we get the main event for next month’s In Your House - Bret Hart will defend the WWF Championship against Diesel. The Undertaker bursts in and in very uncharacteristic fashion speaks for himself promising Gorilla that Diesel will NEVER be WWF Champion as long as he’s around. Gorilla reads betweens the lines and correctly assumes that means Undertaker plans to interfere in that match so he makes it a steel cage match! That’s cool.